I’ve recently unpublished book 3 of my series. I am working on a major overhaul that my subconscious has begged for since I wrote that portion of the story in summer/fall of 2021. The whole plot device of including a character based on myself in the first act of the story was the wrong approach and has negatively impacted the flow, focus and impact of the first two books. I was uncomfortable writing in a “me” character in the first place. The character himself doesn’t want to be there and doesn’t know what’s going on. Dez abjectly refuses to be swept into the entire situation and chooses to disengage from that portion of the story. If I’ve got so much reluctant energy from the perspective of the characters, how should I expect readers to enjoy the experience?

The first several reviews for book 3 were very positive, but the last two involved two readers stopping in the first act for different reasons and refusing to finish the story. As a storyteller, that sort of feedback tells me that I am failing at my job, and it requires a response.

I don’t regret writing and publishing the first version of the book. At the time I was very worried about Q Anon and the general trajectory of the right wing. I thought that by sharing my lessons and experiences with conspiracy theories inside the story universe, that I might get through and help at least one potential reader. Maybe I did. But I also hijacked and burned down the sense of artistic trust with my readers that had been built up in the first books.

I am separating the fiction and non-fiction approach that I am willing to admit did not work in the way I’d hoped.

I spent three years feeling very uncomfortable about the frankness, rawness, and honesty I had shared in the first version. So this move is my way to change what I have the ability to change, and redirect my energy into more constructive attempts at self expression and communication.

I am giving the agency of the story back to the characters themselves with this rewrite. It’s going to be hard work, but it feels like the right way for me to process my mistakes, make corrections, and move forward properly. I’m looking forward to it.

I accept that I may have already burned a bunch of readers by promoting the book in the original format so much already. You only get one chance to make a first impression, after all. I can’t do anything to change the past. But I do have the ability to change my approach and correct my previous mindset now, so I don’t have to stay inside the shadow of old mistakes.

I’ve overshared, overgiven, and overextended myself in various ways over the years. From a very messy and traumatizing church dynamic, to trying to help an elderly widow for two years who ultimately refused to let go or process her hoarding disorder, to at least one other very personal situation involving a pen pal relationship which blossomed into a possible emotional connection that went completely sideways two years ago which I won’t talk about in detail publicly.

Every situation, every iteration was the same life lesson from a slightly different perspective.

I spent most of my life operating from a place of trying do the right thing in secret. I’ve always been a giver, a helper, a volunteer. For the longest time I assumed that my eagerness to be helpful was an expression of intentional defiance to the selfish standards of modern American life. I assumed that I gave to others from my well of internal energy out of a sense of plenty, with no expectation of reciprocation, and no need for it. My source of replenishment was God, after all.

I gave of my time and energy from a place of enjoying the act of giving. Somewhere deep down there was an assumption that I would be appreciated and ultimately replenished when I got involved in situations that required a lot of up front discomfort on my end for the sake of accommodating the needs of whoever I was dealing with.

On all levels, in at least three dynamics over the past seven years, my assumption of proving my value and finding ultimate peace and mutual understanding through my willingness to endure prolonged discomfort was proven wrong. My willingness to remain available diminished my value on both sides of the situation, and left me drained, depressed, and traumatized by the time I chose to disengage and step away.

This happened over and over again until I chose to pay attention to the underlying lesson and my own approach, assumptions, expectations, and unexpressed needs.

Making this adjustment to my story, and consciously considering what I am comfortable sharing, enduring, or risking for the sake of maybe helping someone who may or may not even want my help, perspective, or whatever is a new move for me.

I’m learning how to prioritize myself first so that I can maintain the right amount of spiritual, emotional, or mental energy to be effectively helpful in situations that require my help. I’m learning that the God of “turn the other cheek” is also the God of “wipe the dust off your feet and move on”.

Moving forward I hope to honor my own needs, boundaries, and requirements as much as I have tried to accommodate the needs, boundaries, and requirements of others in the past.

Finding that spot in between loving neighbors and loving self is an important life lesson. I aim to keep my heart defiantly soft in this cold world, but also to have it be properly guarded.